oompa14

I am so sick of the phoniness. People think this makes the

If I ever kill myself I hope you remember these moments, then you'll know that its your fault. I hope you can't sleep because every dream you have is like a movie of the things you put me through. I hope you can't eat beacuse everything tastes like my skin against your lips. I hope you wonder why you hurt me like you did. I hope you carry this burden the rest of your life, until it inescapably kills you the way you killed me. I hope you know the people you think are watching you, whispering about the things you did, really are. You aren't just paranoid. I hope you know that the pain and torment you put me through inevetibaly forced me to my grave. I hope that my death causes you the torment you caused me. I hope my face never leaves your memory. I hope you see me in every mirror tha you look in, every person that you meet. I hope my voice rings in your ears. I hope you hear me in every song you hear. I hope I cross your mind in every thought you think. I hope you know that in the end, I will win.

What have I done? How could I be so selfish? I expected the pain to go away when I got here. I expected it would all just go away. I was wrong. The pain has only gotten worse.

What was my horrible crime? What did I do that was so shocking that it made my father, a man that didn't even cry at his own fathers funeral, cry tears of pain? One night when I was all alone at home crying because Matt, my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me and it hurt so bad. I loved him. We had known each other since we were babies and he hurt me. I made the decision and went into my parents bedroom and took a small silver razor out of my father's drawer and went downstairs to the bathroom that I shared with my younger brother, Alex. I looked in the mirror and saw something I felt was hideous. With that thought running though my mind, I slit both my wrists open. The blood began to pour, I passed out and in less than half an hour, I was gone.

They say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That's not true. The people who say that, don't know what it's like to die. They don't realize that the ache is so much more tremendous after you die. It is painful to see the misery your family and friends have to go through; the pain deepens for your family, your friends and for your soul. It hurts to see the look on your brother's face when he finds your lifeless body lying on the bathroom floor. It hurts to hear your mother's painful scream when she learns that her only daughter has taken her own life. It hurts to see the life drain from your father's usual cheerful eyes. And Matt, poor Matt because of me he has to carry the burden that because he broke up with me, I did something stupid. I'm sorry Matt, please don't take this burden. It's not your fault, I just wanted all my pain to stop.

The worst part of it all was the funeral. My father's eyes were lifeless and dead. My mother let out loud sobs at the sound of my name. My brother, Alex, oh how sorry I am. I wish you didn't have to find me. Please forgive me for putting you through this pain. Matt whispered "I'm so sorry. I'll never forget you" into my ear, then he kissed my forehead. Some friends laid beautiful red and white roses in my casket. I loved roses. I will never be able to smell their sweet perfume again.

Lord, what have I done? I'm so sorry. I wish that I could have one more chance. I was stupid, and in pain. How could I do this to myself? I had my whole life ahead of me. I was going to be a writer or a photographer. I could have been anything I wanted to be. I was only 16 years old. I ruined my life. I ruined my families lives. I ruined my friends lives. My life is gone. No more chances. I could've got a new boyfriend. I didn't even need a boyfriend, but I didn't care, I wanted Matt. Why did I make such a drastic decision? Why can't I go back? Now all I can say is what if... and why did I do that.

It's funny how your decisions can change the lives of others; how one stupid mistake can agonize the lives of everyone that loved or cared for you.

But, what do I know? I'm just another statistic. Just another teenage girl that couldn't live without her boyfriend. Just another teenage girl that couldn't cut it in the real world.